When I first painted this piece I was in a difficult place in my life. It was a year ago or so. Well the events related to this piece started happening well before its creation. On reflection I feel I am an amazing woman to have come through such difficult times.
I had been struggling for a long time and the previous years had shown who my real friends were. The genuine friends I had were living miles away. The ones I thought I had near, disappeared. Why I will never really know. What I do recall is feeling isolated and like I had done something wrong. What should have angered me, saddened me.
You know what though? Part of me was relieved that it was happening to me and not someone else who couldn't handle the feeling of being shut out for something they didn't do or couldn't help. I was experienced with those feelings thanks to my own external family.
Part of me was lost.
It was a mixed time because I had to be so strong for my little ones. So I had to find my happy and a way to cope through the anxiety and loss I was feeling. We did a lot as a family. We became extremely close within our four walls. I tried desperately to have people hear me and understand what I was going through. The more I talked, to the wrong people, the more isolated I felt. Some even attacked, saying things I can't even bring myself to type here...and really those things are garbage. Those people no longer have place in my life.
I learned very quickly who and what really mattered in my life. It still hurt, deeply.
I wanted to share this because no one should have to be made to feel like they do not matter. However, mine is not an isolated case. This happens all over the earth unfortunately.
I wanted to share this because despite these dark moments of time there is light. Here is where my art became important to me again. In my dark moments creating brings life, hope, light to see through the pain and yuck.
With this piece I was wanting to feel empowered, strong, sexy, and like I mattered. Which I did. When so many people walk away from you, you begin to feel dark, betrayed, and lost. Not empowered!
I was channeling those qualities of resiliency, courage, and that fire that each one of us carries within us. You know that fire that sets you aflame and spurns you on, despite the damage and the struggle.
This piece reminds me of that fire that drive we must keep alive in order to make it through. It reminds me that I am a resilient person. That I am sexy and gorgeous despite what the world would have me believe is sexy and gorgeous. That we all have a drive and a uniqueness to be celebrated.